I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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