I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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