she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
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