My first STD was from a foam party
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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