im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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