guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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