Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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