they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
