i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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