Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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