u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
