when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
