Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
