I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
