the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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