thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
