I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
