Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
