So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
