dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I wear drunk well.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
