Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
