Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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