he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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