thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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