Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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