i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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