Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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