Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
