The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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