he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
