Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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