threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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