I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
