I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
