Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
