He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
