Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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