I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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