On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
