Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
