i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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