No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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