I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
