There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
