So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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