this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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