Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You are the jesus of drinking
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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