Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
