I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
