so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
