I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
