cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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