i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
