Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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