Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
