my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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