Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
